I Am Tired

I am tired of feeling fear.

I am tired of wanting to leave my house freely and effortlessly and not being able to do so. I want to be able to walk around the park, feel safe, without having to constantly over analyze my surroundings or worry about a possible freak around the corner.

I am tired of not being able to feel well alone in public spaces. I am tired of having anxiety attacks. Tired of hyperventilating, tired of not being able to breathe, tired of having my legs, arms and whole body shaking. I am tired of waking up thinking if that day is the day I’ll find the courage to get out and walk by on the street without feeling my stomach and my chest tight. 

I am tired of doing therapy.

Tired of thinking what I’m doing wrong. And wondering why I am so anxious all the time. I’ve tried coaching, psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, energy healing, Reiki, CBD and the list goes on. I am tired of trying and still not being able to deal with being catcalled, looked at, approached. Because that will either make me feel gross, or unsafe, or any other very uncomfortable feelings that no women should have to go through on a daily basis. I am tired that even wearing pants and long skirts, and loose clothes, I can’t escape the fact that I have a vagina between my legs and that my curves are feminine. I am tired of being a woman and feeling like instead of a person, I’m a piece of meat.

So yeah, I am tired of construction workers and nosy male waiters who want to talk. I am tired of car washes and public transportations. I am tired of disturbingly disgusting old men touching themselves or smiling at younger girls. I am tired of seemingly suspicious men looking at me or whispering some words I can’t understand.

I am honestly tired of being tired.

And not being understood. Because there are way “worse” things in life than men shouting or whispering at women on the street. There are black people dying and hungry children in Bangladesh. But just like no one does anything to fight those things, no one does anything to change people’s minds and speak about how catcalling is not a fucking compliment. And because my anxiety is not considered important and is consistently disregarded, I am tired.

I am tired.

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