This is probably the first post I write in non-advisory tone. I literally have no advice for anyone right now. We all have our moments when we need to think and reflect on where we stand in life.
This is my reflective moment and it is with relief that I’m writing about my personal journey to get to the point of acceptance of what is. You should try it sometime, it’s quite liberating.
I’ve been thinking a lot about life purposes and dreams. Mostly because I used to have a very clear idea of what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. Since I was twelve years-old, I had the dream of becoming a famous singer. (I’m 25 now, so it’s kind of a long term relationship).
I wanted to write my songs and perform them for large crowds and big arenas. At a young age I’d found my passion, and it gave me the confidence and stamina to get through adolescence, face the world and define myself. At least then.
I had tremendous drive and determination, I’d practice my singing and dancing for hours. I went through the rejection and disappointment of auditions and I ended up putting a lot of pressure on myself. When the time came to go to college, I chose not to pursue a musical education in the end. I guess I thought I could do both things: earn money at a regular job, and make music on the side. Turns out I was living two separate lives: one during the day and one by night. Which led me to exhaustion.
The life I wanted was obviously not the daily one. The life I wanted was the idea of a dream that I kept chasing and felt I ought to be living.
After a few stressful episodes on my musical path, I began to feel disconnected. As if I was in auto-pilot mode. Kept chasing something I didn’t even know I wanted. This forced me to stop and ask some deep questions.
Why do I keep following this plan? Does this plan still make sense? Is my idea of success still large crowds and big arenas? What do I really love about this? What do I really hate about this?
I was so confused the day I realized I might not want to be a renowned singer anymore. What?! Exactly how is this possible? I didn’t know what to think and how to deal with it. I would have to reinvent my life, my identity. That’s usually what happens when your values change.
It can be very confusing growing up with a dream and a sense of life purpose, and all of the sudden realizing you no longer want it or it no longer makes sense.
I googled it, I asked around in forums and I read somewhere that my old dream might not “serve me anymore”. Which, kind of had a point.
I was sad and lost. But maybe all these anxieties of having a life purpose or not happened in the first place because of the pressure I kept putting on myself.
I do not have to define myself. Who I am is not my job title, or my side hustle, or my deepest dreams. I am all of this, right now and what I used to be and all the things I am not yet. And I don’t feel the need to describe it. Seriously, I do not give a fuck!
I still love music. God, I love dancing! And writing lyrics is amazing because of how addictive it can be. But honestly, at the moment, after a day of work I don’t have enough energy to fairly dedicate myself 100% to these activities, at least with the purpose of making a masterpiece and becoming “the best”.
I don’t want to be famous and I don’t seek recognition or even validation. I prioritize different things now, like not being stressed, and not being exhausted. I prioritize being balanced and calm and I’m not willing to go through the pressure and stress of proving that I’m an artist or facing stage fright.
I love writing songs and recording them. Maybe I’d enjoy performing them if I had a team or a band that would make it less stressful for me to do it.
But these are my circumstances and I have embraced the freedom of letting go. Letting go of pressure.
I’m an introvert. I know that now. I didn’t know what being an introvert meant when I was twelve. I know what I’m willing to face now. Back then, I’d face anything because I thought I had to live by some stupid rulebook. I don’t fucking have to! How amazing.
Comparing this to the breakup of a long term relationship, I’d say I’m on the right track. I’m past crying stage or getting drunk and singing “All By Myself”. I’m at the yoga stage now. And it feels really good.
This old dream may make no sense now, but that doesn’t mean I‘ll stop making music. I’ll sing when I want to sing, I’ll dance when I want to dance and I’ll write what I want to write, because I still love it.
“Have you seen my fucks to give?
I have none, I cannot live with